How do you handle your addictions?
Hell, how do you recognise them?
So easy and so deep, we almost willingly fall into what we know to be one the thing that hits our soft spot. Blinded by its promises and dellusional guarantees, we decide to try a little taste. Well, the delusional part is perhaps a certainty that rises from its after effects rather than a component of the first contact. Yet, there it lies. Yet, we cannot see it.
Little by little, we grow dependent on it. We crave when its gone and we bathe in it when it’s here. We see our strenght being taken away in every single last drop and we can’t just live without it: we keep on seeking, pursuing it, bringing it back. The more we have, the more we want. And simply we don’t want to let it go.
At first, we think it’s a natural desire, a normal will. Even when we begin to see the counter-effects, we ignore them in the name of that one next hit we’re about to take. The hit is physical, mental, touches the soul. One touch and the entire body begins to shiver. A bit later, the whole being feels at complete ease. It is our great desire, it feels so right… how could we possibly let it go?
Our addictions have come to us in many forms, shapes and smells. We surrended to each and every one of them, believing in its golden promise: you will no longer be alone. Yes, solitude has always been a sort of combustible for our addictions. It has been its food, running through our veins and reaching our vital parts, for many of our not so many years. We accepted it and took it in, unquestioned. Our biggest mistake.
I realised I was addicted when I let her suffer the consequences of what I could not let go. Abandonment, recklessness, backs turned at us. I accepted and let it all in only to have five more minutes, 10 more seconds of voice, look and touch. We took scars in our hearts and body for my being unable to let go and start to look within. We took words of rejection and actions of despise. She saw it was time to show me the truth and I saw it all. A necessary take.
When I glanced at her sorrow, her destruction, emptiness of hope and fulness of despair, I decided that it was time to quit. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realised what I was doing to her. Yes, I have still been in control for all this time but her eyes kept on reaching mine as we stared at each other in the mirror. I saw her red and swollen eyes whilst she watched me trying to forget it all. Nothing else worked for good, drastic measures called to action.
Our dependence on people and on their love has made us mad. Mad for care, for true concerns and real engagement. Not the fake stuff, no, not the ones that only lasts a minute. Although that’s everything each and all of them seem to give, we’ve mostly craved for the real deal, believing that it would solve the issue. So wrong, L.!
Boots off, clothes down, face washed. The time has come to let go of the old addictions, waiting in the dark and constantly check for updates. Quit the depth of the contact, let go of the old habits. Everyone else is gone, only few have truly displayed deep care. It took me time, but I get now.
Universe, indeed!
All I need is her and all she needs is me, and that’s all it always needs to be.
