Gio – Page 4 – giosdays

Gunfire

History told in tears
telling tales of hurt and sorrow
blaming pain on empty fears
was it all really this hollow?

My veins still filled with pain
Your done, your words, your guilt
So often forgotten in your drain
Your mind is always adrift

Lured into believing
To see sides of an utopia
Filled heart wanders in dreaming
Past forgotten, left out in dystopia

Mind open, soul renewed
Lasting feelings to keep alive
Signs of change slowly brewed
Why are you hiding out of sight?

Lessons of a life filled with hope
Now show the truth of that troubled mind
Can’t he really feel loved?
Is he really this blind?

My heavy heart slowly retires
Filled with sadness and disbelief
I spotted ease but found gunfire
Leave the dead, my dear
It’s about time you grieve.

-1

Twenty

How do you handle your addictions?
Hell, how do you recognise them?

So easy and so deep, we almost willingly fall into what we know to be one the thing that hits our soft spot. Blinded by its promises and dellusional guarantees, we decide to try a little taste. Well, the delusional part is perhaps a certainty that rises from its after effects rather than a component of the first contact. Yet, there it lies. Yet, we cannot see it.

Little by little, we grow dependent on it. We crave when its gone and we bathe in it when it’s here. We see our strenght being taken away in every single last drop and we can’t just live without it: we keep on seeking, pursuing it, bringing it back. The more we have, the more we want. And simply we don’t want to let it go.

At first, we think it’s a natural desire, a normal will. Even when we begin to see the counter-effects, we ignore them in the name of that one next hit we’re about to take. The hit is physical, mental, touches the soul. One touch and the entire body begins to shiver. A bit later, the whole being feels at complete ease. It is our great desire, it feels so right… how could we possibly let it go?

Our addictions have come to us in many forms, shapes and smells. We surrended to each and every one of them, believing in its golden promise: you will no longer be alone. Yes, solitude has always been a sort of combustible for our addictions. It has been its food, running through our veins and reaching our vital parts, for many of our not so many years. We accepted it and took it in, unquestioned. Our biggest mistake.

I realised I was addicted when I let her suffer the consequences of what I could not let go. Abandonment, recklessness, backs turned at us. I accepted and let it all in only to have five more minutes, 10 more seconds of voice, look and touch. We took scars in our hearts and body for my being unable to let go and start to look within. We took words of rejection and actions of despise. She saw it was time to show me the truth and I saw it all. A necessary take.

When I glanced at her sorrow, her destruction, emptiness of hope and fulness of despair, I decided that it was time to quit. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realised what I was doing to her. Yes, I have still been in control for all this time but her eyes kept on reaching mine as we stared at each other in the mirror. I saw her red and swollen eyes whilst she watched me trying to forget it all. Nothing else worked for good, drastic measures called to action.

Our dependence on people and on their love has made us mad. Mad for care, for true concerns and real engagement. Not the fake stuff, no, not the ones that only lasts a minute. Although that’s everything each and all of them seem to give, we’ve mostly craved for the real deal, believing that it would solve the issue. So wrong, L.!

Boots off, clothes down, face washed. The time has come to let go of the old addictions, waiting in the dark and constantly check for updates. Quit the depth of the contact, let go of the old habits. Everyone else is gone, only few have truly displayed deep care. It took me time, but I get now.
Universe, indeed!

All I need is her and all she needs is me, and that’s all it always needs to be.

Nineteen

It’s been 23 minutes since midnight and I simply cannot hold myself back.

It is the 23rd of April of 2019 and we are entering our 29th turn around the sun. So many years together, so much we’ve been through. Yet, the joy this day brings a joy still unseen and unusual to most people. Too many don’t understand the true happiness, the joy that consumes our bodies this day of the year.

If you’ve made this far in our chapters, you might think that we don’t have much to be proud of. Or not, gosh I know of what you think! So much misery we’ve gone through in life. Sorrows, deep shit, heartbreak. So much we’ve struggled to understand which ended up in crawling under our blanket, trying and get the answers no one else would. We’ve done that for years, but for most of the recent ones, we’ve fought to grasp the meaning of whatever we were facing. And most importantly, we have been victorious for a large part of it. We’ve seriously won.

We won when we decided that there would be a day when nothing else but our pride would matter. The pride we gather both for ourselves and for the beauty of all we’ve accomplished. We took this day as the one which wouldn’t tell of sorrows or tears, or sadness or fuck-ups. We hold on to this day like a kid to its teddy bear and we crave for it so intensively that, clearly, no one understands. But well, no need to. It comes from within and we genuinely cheer up to it.

Most of the ones we know think of their birthdays as a day to be left aside. “We are getting old, why would I celebrate?!”, they say. They preach days long gone and despise the things they should praise. I see people taking days and years for granted whilst, in our eyes, gratitude and smiles should be the key to open the doors of today, of this special day. To celebrate one’s cycle is to enlighten the future. And all we wish is that most people saw the same, but well… life is one’s own to live.

And so, alone here we stand. Sitting on our couch, in our recently leased apartment, smiling at our future. We take those rusty and old keys that we used to open the so many doors in the past year and we close up the last door of the 28. We reach out to the back pocket of our pants and grab that shiny one with the sign of 29 in it. Gosh, has it really been this long?! How come do we still feel like 19?! Nevertheless, ten years have passed and so much has happened. Much to be happy about, even more to be grateful for.

As the winds of change keep on blowing over our windows, we open the lock and open the door. We take one step ahead to begin the new turn, filled with happiness, surrounded by the love that comes from within. Long time since we’ve felt this way, but here it is again. We feel happy, she feels complete. Much has changed in this years’ celebrations, but she has all she needs right at her hands and that’s enough for me. The golden key is everything. The new beginning is right at the cross of the street.

Come on now, 29! Let’s discover even more, let’s embrace our simpathy and smiles. We promise to forget of the shitty past, to let go of the long lasting tears: They may come tomorrow, or the week after. Today, it’s only about the special. Today is only about her. So us, happily ever after, shall very well be.

Happy birthday to us!

Surrender

so much, so little
so vague, so fulfilled
days by, months gone
what is it we’ve shown?

the laughs, the silliness
now feel like emptiness
no more you and I
was it without a try?

endless nights we’ve spent
wandering around the tent
gazing at the white sky
have we really ran dry?

hours in the silent web
thinking the thoughts we had
hurtful silence, strange absence
was it the wrong sense?

now the time is to surrender
to let go of the whole tender
learn again of that single tone
and return to the state of strange
and at all alone.

Eighteen

It’s been a while since we’ve been around to down our thoughts and share our mind, but I must admit that it hasn’t been for lack of willpower. A lot has happened and as much as ideas have come and gone, there hasn’t been a specific time -literal and figurative- to concise it all in chapters. Nevertheless, here we are.

Let me just begin by saying that a lot has happened in the past couple of months. For starters, she’s asleep and I’ve taken over. So much fun this has been and such a different journey. I mean, it is still us, but in my way now. Ever since the big crash she’d been nostalgic, emotional and lacking the reasonability towards herself and future. The hole he dug in her heart was deeper than we thought and although I’ve been keeping her updated in between naps, I have assumed my role as full protector and started a cleanse in her system. She is aware -we are aware- that we need to get her on her feet so we can be whole again, but there are other priorities now and she needs to rest and restore. It was about time!

Having to restart life and living was a blessing and a curse. The heavy sight of an empty house, taking walks down the streets with loose hands, no longer making reservations for two. So much hurt, such a great emptiness. The first week after the move overflowed her with sorrows she hadn’t tasted in ages and she felt the great pain. And although it hurt the hell out of me, all I did was to let her feel it.

Over the days, she encountered situations which were too much to bear. The eyes suddenly began to water, the piercing pain in the heart and the weakness of the doubt. So easily triggered, so deeply consumed. I couldn’t, I simply couldn’t let that go any further so I told her to rest. Tired and hopeless, she did.

Little by little, things began to fall into its place. Other focus, different spotlights. We were told to accept our present and I embraced it with arms and legs of a gymnast. I searched for the bright spot in the darkness like a child seeks the blanket on a cold night. I made the decision and, unlike so many others who behaved towards us, I stuck with it. Our eyes gazed sharply through the peep hole and what we saw on the other side was as exciting as sunrise: I saw ourselves back again in our life.

Vivid and sober, I wiped the poison out of our body. That love, that intense devotion, all that fit two, gone. There was a moment I thought I couldn’t, but then I said it so loud that woke her up just enough to hear and believe it. You see, I’m working with subconsciousness here and doing some heavy work to transform this experience into a life lesson to never repeat itself. Too many chances were given, too much forgiveness and trust. Love and care and tenderness and trust are indeed still the pillars of our body, heart and soul and i’m certain that ain’t gonna change: my issue is with the depth of the roots other plant in us, the water we give to them and how much of our nutrients they suck out of us.

For that and for more, I’ve closed the gates, I’ve taken my distance, I’m diving into herself. Ourself, to be precise. I feel that there is a bit of me missing in her as much as the other way around. I can be cruel and lovely, but she knows no harm to others and that’s her ‘blurse’.

And for all she’s been through, I can only hope that when she opens her eyes is to see how incredible she really is and how much others ain’t needed to bring greatness upon her. I’ve filled up the cup and the saucer starts to overflow. It’s time to wake up.

Afloat

She walked the night
She felt the cold
so many sites
nowhere to go

herself still filled with pain
her sorrows yet running through the veins
felt the hot cigarette burn her fingers
she had nothing else but to linger

foggy night, gelid air
please take away all this despair
so hard, so tough, all so low
she seek and seek but finds no glow

all in all are lost bets
she mourns the ones living yet
those questions spinning in the mind
no answers, nothing that is kind

a week was gone and so little changed
searching the ways to leave the damned
few further steps down on the street
she turned and felt the constant drift

facing the people in the walking flow
she turned to find the path in oak
emptiness was what she found as gold
and she felt deep that she was
truly afloat.

Seventeen

A week later than the usual, but I promise I’ve got a good reason for it.

Real life caught up with me and here lies a huge cliché of starting new chapters. I have indeed been writing you chapters and stories about our life and about how did we get where we did, but funny enough, this past week brought us a changing and turning point. Although already in repetition, it was fairly unexpected. It led us to misbelief and, although a ‘better judgement’ was questioned, we are still living in limbo upon these facts.

Here is the thing: no matter how much someone writes or tells you what they think and feel; you will never be able to fully grasp what truly goes on in their minds. Well, at least this is the feeling we are left with. Whatever you believed and bet your life in, vanishes in just a second, simply for one’s satisfaction and desire. It sounds sad and strange, but I guess the best thing I can say about it is that it is cruel.

Believing someone is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Evolution has brought us so much doubt about the world and an excessive amount of options in life which, of course, leads us to question what comes next and take an abnormal amount of time to make choices. Also, it gets us thinking about the future, love and prosperity. So many choices, so little known. And then, someone comes and gives you a heart to take care of. In return, you give yours. And you believe it will be safe there.

Time is the most powerful force in the universe, they say. It fixes things, healing and bringing it all to the right order, the one which should be in place. Time gets you to figure out how much you feel that you want to be together and how important are the people in your life. Time can be life changing and show that not only good things come from it, but also some truths of life.

And that is how our past week has been: all about time. We had to take time to pack, to think, to prepare. We tried to figure out how life was going to be, attempting to foresee the future and the people in it. So many different thoughts had overtaken my head for so long that it got hard to think of eliminating a pivot from it. And as time brought him in, only time will take him out.

As we, once again, remove ourselves from that life, we wonder what will be of the trust we once carried with us. So many times it has already been broken that our heart worries that this time has been beyond repair. Yes, I know we have talked about that already, but still… how can you believe someone again? Does love really vanishes overnight? How can words be said with such precision and, yet, be completely dismissed by the break of dawn? This time, no answers, my friend.

And so it’s time for us to begin a new chapter. In real life, in daily practice. We are faced with a completely different life than we expected to have right now and we need to adapt to it. So, yeah… time! There is a pool filled with sadness in our heart, but we are still believing that all of this is for the best. I guess it is the only hope that keeps us going, the only feeling we have left. Time will be our best friend from now on.

So, for now, we crawl tight under the blankets, we let the pillow dry our tears, we open our chest to the feelings to come and stay. We trust that if they see our pain, they soon will go. I know her heart will never be the same again, but I am here for her and I will try to protect her better this time, to see and examine the signs.

And may love, trust and tenderness one day, finally, truly come to stay.

Um

Escolheu a vida só, além do dois.
Teve dúvida, medo e incertezas quanto às próprias capacidades.
Julgou-se.

Havia abandonado a zona de conforto e decidido partir ao desconhecido, de peito aberto e coração na mão.
Temeu o futuro.

A dor aguda, constante e inevitável traziam angústia, mas também um certo alento.
Sentia um paradoxo sem fim.
Sem explicação.

Pensou nas dores de amor como as chuvas em Março nas terras Tupiniquins.
Mesmo fortes e persistentes, passam com a chegada de Abril e o sol do Outono.
Pensou nas folhas tocando o chão e levando consigo cada sentimento e memória do que foi.
Refletiu.

Pensou em si, nos planos, nas coisas boas que ficaram e questionou o que estaria por vir.
Cogitou sua idade.
Contou tempo, espaço e metas.
Questionou o futuro.

Na árvore de sua vida, uma brisa levou consigo a última e resistente folha.
Tudo se esvai.

O coração esvaziou, a cabeça se preencheu.

Como um moinho d’água, seus pensamentos se renovaram e seu ser se aquietou.
O inverno que pareceu demorar pra sempre foi inundado com uma imensidão de brotos e novos sentimentos.
A água agora era fresca e seus pensamentos também.

Cresceu.

Na clarividência de sua força, enxergou-se longe.

A cada flor, uma nova experiência.
A cada experiência, um aprendizado novo.

Rezou baixo para que essas sim prevalecessem e que se multipliquem a cada desabrochar.

Concluiu que ser um não é ser só.
Mas apenas permitir-se ver e viver uma nova primavera.

Sixteen

Of all the feelings a human being can bear inside, I believe there is nothing compared to anger.

It drives one crazy enough to commit murder, to seek revenge to the depths of the Earth and to live forever in solitude. This strange sensation makes its bearer capable of hurt and blood and soreness, and it destroys all and everyone in its way. Inside, it carries a pool filled with frustrations and misunderstandings which flows into a waterfall of regrets and sorrows. Human rage, they call it.

We have seen anger for most of our life. Our parents, we believe, hated each other. They never had the guts or the courage to let either one go, but they were always there, fighting with the big words and the uncountable threats to each other’s lives. Arguing, whining, trying. Their trials were never longer than three days and quick enough all was back in its place. As soon as the water of sorrows encountered rhythm and a new flow, everything was back where it was. Life was again following its strange course.

I wasn’t exactly born in rage, but I know that I have carried it with me for most of my life. I guess she didn’t know much about it before I came into her life, but I am sure we both learned a great deal of this outrageous feeling throughout our years together. It was a developed sensation which burned inside us from time to time, mostly caused by the times we felt deeply unheard. I know, we’ve talked about this before, but this time is about how we secretly wished some people had life taken away from them. We wanted blood for blood.

Anger has shaped the way we see the world. For many years we thrived for light and peacefulness, but anger has always knocked the door in the back of our heads. We do not believe in the blessing of ignorance, thus, when the world turns quiet upon our questions, hate finds the door open and it runs through without second thoughts. For long time it did, at least, but lately we’ve been watching it more closely. The true strangeness is when we see rage in someone else’s eyes without finding the source or the home for such presence.

Punching the wall out of madness, making holes in the soul for being lost. Frustrations everywhere, regrets come to place. Anger has made of our days its home and we no longer wish to bear such burden. We wish to release ourselves from the sorrows that condemn this world and the ones who choose to live in the ignorance within. We crave for plain answers, clear thoughts and exposed hurt.

And as we chose to believe and move on, the feathers of knowledge begin to fall into its soft place when all the rage of the damned dive into their waterfall of sorrows, regretting those nights and flowing into their dark river of silence which will soon be as empty as the worlds solitude.

Recado

Com o coração na mão
e de peito aberto
escrevo-te um recado
pra não esquecer

longo foi o tempo
amando sincero
de credo em alento
que se viu viver

mudanças tantas
aqui e acolá
passagens e andanças
fizemos muito a voar

idas e vindas
chegadas e partidas
abraços e acolhidas
saudade do estar

algo num súbito
mudou-se em absurdo
sem muita compreensão
veio o adeus de sopetão

hora é, pois, de dizer
o quanto isso me faz doer
as crenças e confidências
dos tantos anos juntos a viver

palavras que não se completam
lágrimas que não se secam
ferida que se abriu
ainda viva me dissecam

que fique, então, registrado
da dor que dói sem compasso
dos planos que se retiram
da vida minha que mais cobiçam

fecho os olhos pro passado
esqueço o que deu errado
prometo seguir o passo a passo
levantar o abstrato

o vício e a abstinência
buscam perdão como ciência
tamanha a prepotência
não se conserta com essa frequência

digo-te pois, adeus
seguirei sem os pensamentos teus
deixo-te de vez seguir
quando de fato sou eu
quem há muito devia partir