The war we started two years ago has taken its first battle.
Our mind has encountered places we’ve never been before and we’ve been climbing down the pit, holding each others hands. So much hidden in the shadows of fear and anger, too many frames to be lived again. And, believe me, forty-five minutes were enough to bring back what we spent twenty years leaving to the dead.
Since the opening of the box, nothing has been the same. We’ve seen rejection, despise and love. All in different states, from sorts of people. The reactions are never the same, but the surprise has been certain. People don’t always know how to deal with it, you know? Just like when you find out that your favourite cookie isn’t sold anymore, they ask for your truth trusting to be something they know. Interesting enough, the wide eyes of surprise are always on sight.
Two weeks ago, the war we started against our pain took its greater turn: the biggest battle. We faced everything that happened that night and we felt it all over again. Curious how you really have to go back there to understand who you are today. Even more, when you see yourself as that little girl again, with those same feelings and thoughts and it takes the best of you to try and stay here, in the present. Either way, it was all pain, anger and loneliness. All immersed in this body, clustered in our veins.
We faced our demons that day. Two weeks ago, we opened the gates of hell and let everyone out without even asking for a line. They flew over our body, invading her guts and leaving her in pain. I felt her confusion, her fears materialising before her eyes and I admit, I was also scared. I knew all of this was there, I’ve protected her from it. I’ve been her guardian for all these years and now, when she voluntarily let them all in, I didn’t quite know what to do. It was her decision, I was there to watch.
After the sharp swing of the swords and the first fight was over there was a strange sense of peace. A weird, unknown, notion of ground. She’s been floating so far, my little one, that I felt we were in tears. It was just the beginning, much had yet to come.
We drove home in silence and awe. How can you process this much, the past in a whole world. There was a lot to say, yet, no words. We knew it was just the beginning and a slurp of fear consumed her heart. For a second, on a spur. She was curious, anxious and afraid, all at the same time.
And as the flashbacks began and all started to make sense, my girl began to wonder what else would come next. Thoughts, feelings, memories and dreams. All clustered in a cloud that came to stay in the seven day wait fixed between the fights. I told her I’d be here, no matter what. I promised to hold her hand and to stick by her side, as I’ve always done. And I meant it.
Days gone by, system updates in motion. It was right then that something felt changed. We walked around the room and I began to notice the difference, a fade away.
We walked by the mirror and suddenly it hit me. That was it. That was me.
I saw a truth that I’ve never seen before.
