Half a year has gone by and it’s been a while since we’ve put our thoughts down with sense. I guess it has to do with structures and the lack of organisation currently residing inside our mind and the excruciating confusion that overloads the flow inside our body. Strange days.
The world of people with busy agendas has closed its door inside of her. Once it was perceived as a permanent home, the safe place to be and grow, but now it looks not so much more than a blur. I’ve been watching her for weeks, trying to find her ground and the solidness she craves to hold on to, whilst having to control myself to not take us further in my own way. I want to give her space, she wants to crawl inside it. We’ve been battling on a daily and exhaustion has taken its place. I am growing tired of the wait.
Those around us tell tales to let it go. Live by the day, let life follow its course. “It is okay to not be okay”, they say. So little they know that a life without a battle is unknown to us, in so many ways. So little they see of the life we were given at a very early stage. It has been nothing but a fight. We have never known better and as much as I do not like to pity her, I know that my poor girl has been really poor. Of love, affection, support. Grounds to trust, a rock to hold on to. Twenty years of tears she has held inside without a choice or allowance to let it go. She had to race her way through while attempting to figure it all out herself. She wasn’t given time to discover the what, when and how. She was thrown naked in a jungle and she’s made it out alive, but jumping out of cliffs has always been in her mind. Until now.
Puzzles fulfil her head as no joy runs through her veins. She’s tried to find comfort in the new, but nothing brings her the same. And as the emptiness grows, the black hole enlarges. I try to bring her forward and I strive to lift her head, but her eyes don’t look alive: she still feeds on the dead.
Those eyes we gazed in the beginning, that warmth that once caught our soul. All of that comprised in one being, able to end this painful nightmare. Too many compromises, it is not right to go back to the start. She knows and feels but can’t accept. She owns herself a way greater debt.
My girl is in pain. She has these shivers through her skin, these thoughts she should avoid. No one knows the truth underneath, no one understands what she really needs. Deep inside, in the place we share, I see the conflict of wish and dare and I try to keep her company. I hold her hand, I hug her tight, I tell her please please please give up on this fight. But nothing matters on that side.
My girl has closed her eyes, she’s hiding in plain sight. And she feels the world as she does herself: nothing else is alive.
