There is a funny thing about making decisions that has always puzzled me.
It is like at the point of no return, the moment when you have to either cross the wobbly bridge or to go back , that the whole notion of right and wrong simply disappear. You get caught up in the midst without knowing precisely what to do, which opinions and possible outcomes we should consider and, in our case, how many feelings are involved in the process. I like to think that people often make life-changing decisions with ease and although it doesn’t quite look like that -given everything I’ve done-, sometimes it comes up as a tricky process for me.
If we start with the choice we made of getting out of our home country, I can tell you that this was a big exception. That was a very easy one. For most individuals I know, getting out of their comfort zone is one of the hardest decisions they can ever make, if they ever manage to do so. They seem scared and afraid of everything, letting all sorts of delusional assumptions stop the idea from growing. Well, in our case, everything that others feared worked as well as a good yeast. We knew, almost from the time of my birth, that we would get away at some point.
As we grew older, this certainty developed into a more robust idea which soon enough became a reality that was changing and challenging as it should have been. It was a process of growth and understanding of whatever lied beyond the imaginary lines that surrounded the territory I was living in. For us, leaving the nest was the beginning of a pursuit for a better life and possibilities. I would no longer have to live within the dirt that covered all the morality which was once thought to exist. When we left we knew that looking back was only for those who would have something to see and that wasn’t our case.
After our first experience in foreign lands, ‘new things’ became our drug. We wanted to experience more and to refine our tastes. Deep inside, we knew there was a will to settle down, to have a house and a family, and this constant thrive for being more has always walked along with that – it is the feeling of conformity that we so much tried to avoid. We aimed high and we wanted to be on top of things. Nevertheless, we were still us and our heart still spoke louder most of the times. The plans and goals we had at the first departure as well as the certainties we held close together were constantly challenged by the feelings in our heart and the relationships we engaged with. Friends, boyfriends, little things in the house that made us feel home. We craved so hard for a safe life filled with certainties that we forgot our true purpose.
For many years, we went along with the plans of others, constantly being the one giving in for the greater good, agreeing on things that made us partially happy. All of it was okay because there were love and dreams, even if only one-sided, most of the time. Love has always been both the fuel and the reason why we never regretted the decisions we’ve made, as they drove us through different routes, discovering roads that were filled with joy and ‘the new’, but that also changed the way we look at life.
Eventually, we paid a very high price for letting our heart decide for us, but looking back now and wiping some parts of it, they did more good than bad. That is true that we still carry the memories, the betrayals and words of despise that were said to us, undeserved, but I guess that after everything we went through while still living in the nest, there are very few things that could deeply mark us. And so, we grew stronger from those experiences. And so, it happens again.
I remember the last time I took a decision only and solely for myself. I had been playing along for a while and thinking always on the bigger prize, but I had just had enough. I did not think of anyone else’s feelings or thoughts, or whatever implications my decision would possibly cause in someone else’s life. It was about time to stop with agreeing, going along and even facing the unforgiven without acting on it, so I decided to set my gps to another location. I had gotten a little lost along the way and I wanted to go back to my primary goal, rescuing that bit of myself that got lost the moment I decided to choose with my heart. The decision was made and luckily it wasn’t too late.
When my words were spoken, I saw those eyes I so much loved staring at me and, without hesitation, regret or even taking time to give it a second thought, his mouth went on replying “I think you should go!”. For the first time, I felt that I had been stupid. Perhaps another feeling should have consumed my body, but ‘stupid’ is precisely what I felt at that moment. How could I give so much credibility to someone who barely cared enough to ask me to reconsider or to stay? How could I still be deliberating with myself about a decision which would bring me only benefits? Yeah, I know… I’m better than that. It is clear, I get it now.
Fact is that although I am not the same, love still lives here. The need for decisions does too, of course, since life continues and we will always be summoned and chased by changes and disputes for as long as we live. And I know that I should have learned my lesson by now, but there is a nice saying about ‘better late than never’ which I believe to be quite applicable to this matter. I am learning to not insist on staying when someone tells me to leave, although somehow, in my crazy-twisted way, I still believe in miracles.
It is true that things are different and that the time for big decisions is coming again. My lessons are still being learned and my heart remains bounded to truth and commitment, but my mind tells me that there’s something else out there and that this is the time to go find it. I guess the universe has given me enough signs after e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g I’ve been through. Most of all, I think I am starting to listen to my true calling or maybe I am simply starting to listen at all. To myself, to others, to what life shows me and to what the people I love ask from me. Sometimes it lacks me confidence, but progress has just begun.
And for that and for more, I am choosing myself today, looking back at the that old list and changing the course, once again, moving forward to beat what they call fate.
