There was a time when the feelings of others were bigger than hers.
She felt like nothing else in the universe mattered more than making sure that her being, her presence was exactly as what was expected of her. She craved for company, for companionship, and that was something to strive for, no matter the cost.
Whether she would be left aside or be considered as the last choice, being amongst others was enough of a prize for her goals and ambitions. It didn’t matter if she was happy, complete or feeling good; she would feel good in the company of other people and would make sure that whatever her feelings or thoughts were, they would never inflict anything or jeopardise the possibility of having someone by her side.
Yes, I understand. It sounds horrid and codependent, but that is and was the truth.
She’s spent so many years alone, living in her own inner world and solitude, having to kill all monsters by herself. Being alone was all she’d learned. And she got used to it. It is indeed easy to get used to once you so much crave for no longer being the one being in the room. Those ten extra minutes of conversation, the warmth of someone else’s presence, the possibility to please someone else. She’d do it all to have it. Nothing else mattered. She’d suggest, host, cook, find possibilities, do whatever it took. She’d strive to gather as many as possible and as often as possible. All she wanted was to have a person, the person, who’d listen and talk. Or just talk. Didn’t quite matter.
The years passed and she realised that her constant moving was often leading to fewer and fewer listeners and bystanders. Fewer and fewer people stayed or wanted to remain close to her. Was it her fault? Was it anything within her own personality which was driving other people away? She couldn’t tell, but her past and own mixed up feelings would often say yes. It was her doing. She diminished herself so many times and in so many different occasions thinking that people simply did not accept her for who she were. It was hard to believe, standing on my own shoes, but I could do nothing but to stand down. Many times she thought I was the cause of it. My forwardness, my own way to be and to see the world. My limitless energy and attitude towards others, unregarded of time or schedule, simply being. So I stood down, I bowed and let her be. I knew she only had us to live and how much her heart had to share with others, so I did as I was told.
At one occasion, after a discussion with someone who had called himself a partner, she heard the words coming from another mouth: “That’s why everyone leaves”. A piercing to her heart without notice or explanation. She didn’t even know how to react. She’d watched everyone else leaving within circumstances and situations beyond her control. No one had ever set her as important, pivot or even centered her to attention. No one had ever truly only looked at her, her feelings and desires with genuine interest. She’d always been the one pursuing, the one going after, the one adapting and changing. And within all those changes, she evolved.
After a long time, she learned how to be herself. She understood that it wouldn’t matter to the world how much she’d change or adapt or give up to be with others. She saw that people would do whatever they pleased and that it was all about them. Not and never about her. Her feelings and desires were constantly neglected and she understood that there was no need for anyone else to acknowledge them but herself. She grasped, at last, that her herself was enough and that whoever would ever wish to sit by her side, ask and hear about her stories would be there out of their own will. Whatever days she’d spend with others, would be spent on their own expense and her enjoyment wouldn’t be greater than what she’d get out of it. It took her time to understand all of that and a whole lot of self-love to fit together the pieces of the puzzle.
And it was about that time that she truly realised how great empathy is and how fucked up is a world where true feelings are so easily neglected, as well as how easily people can live their days and nights without it.
