Seven

What is the price of your freedom?

The moment I saw the world she lived in I knew, that at some point, I would have to break us free. For a long time, I witnessed the lust, greed and all those unspeakable sins happening right in front of us. I saw lies being told, cheating partners and adults looking at kids in ways that one should never do. She grew up in a place where all of it was seen as normal, accepted and never to be questioned or discussed. Well, we already know what happened when she asked questions, so she remained silent. She thought it was all part of life and she lived her days as it actually was.

All was kept in a box. A strange blend of images, smells, words and feelings which were compiled and automatically sent to this squared compartment she kept inside her head, all the way to the back, where no one – not even herself- would reach or dare to open. She was given a duty bigger than her own life and she vowed to oblige regardless of the consequences it could bring upon herself. That is how she is, you know. She gives herself to others in times of need without doubts or second thoughts. At the sight of a tear rolling down the face of a loved one, she feels powerless if nothing can be done. Her empathy is so great that even if it is not her fault, she still feels so. We’ve kept the good parts of this feeling throughout the years, but at that time, her duty was to protect the one who brought her to life. She was bred to be her mother’s lion.

For many years she learned that the father was guilty and that his guilt had no exceptions. Illnesses, suffering, adultery, lies and negligence were some of his crimes. She grew up learning how bad was that man and how poisoning was his presence. She heard from her protected one that he was the one and only responsible and all she thought was that he had to pay. I shouted at him in her name and tried to bring her the inner peace she longed for. Countless times, facing tears and suffering, her hands touched her mothers’ with the reassurance that there would never be loneliness. At the same time, she begged her to leave him, to flee and restart. But no matter what happened, no matter the choices, things remained the same. And just like everything else, the series of events were sucked into the box.

One day, I took over. For two days, the mother was sleeping in another room, crying from dawn to dust, while the sinner remained in his normal life. No actual changes, only complaints and whining to our ears. I watched it all go back to normal on the third day and I could bear no longer the sight. Silence was not an answer anymore. Under a demand for my respect, I shouted the question of where was hers for herself. I reassured the companionship, but I demanded that she took actions for my support. Slaps and punches were the answers we got as well as the acceptance and the fear of what was yet to come. We finally understood that her chains were never to be broken.

Looking at the scars and red skin in our arms and legs, I decided that the time had come. No love, no duty and no heart could stand such life. Of all the things that once made sense, none of them stood out to change my mind. The symbiosis had become vague in its most crucial point in space and we had to find a new meaning for all of it. Distance was the answer. “What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t feel”, it’s how they say. We still had two more years to come before we could make the move ourselves, but the plan was made and the mind was set. The pain of untying the ropes was the only certainty we could feel in the guts.

And as a bird leaves her babies in the nest to hunt for survival, we left the structure to make our own choices. Heart tight, holding back the tears we knew it would come. Somehow, I managed to abandon our post and release us from duty. In the end, redemption was the cure for our aching heart. A new life, a new sight, a future filled with freedom. It all lasted long enough for us to be as happy as one can be with the liberating choices made for the sake of oneself. For our sake.

What we didn’t know was that our meeting with freedom was accompanied by the box of sins we’d hidden so well. “You face your demons and you are free”. The lid popped open, the faces and odors came out. Things once taken as normal began to show its true face. A pool of lies, pure horror.

And at that point I knew that the lion inside us was gone and that our heartbeat for the past would never be the same.

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