Four

There is a story about a boy who conquered her heart long before she knew what true love was. He would try to find her eyes and profess his love for her, while keeping it a secret to everyone else. Only she was capable of detecting his signs. We were already acquainted at that time, but it was all genuine to my eyes and I didn’t want to interfere. I thought that maybe he would be the one to make things better for her, bring her happiness, reduce her pain, give her the comfort and the true love she so much longed for. I then stepped aside and let her be. When it all began, they were kids. Simple, fragile, still discovering life. Their roots were similar and so was their environment. In spite of growing up in different worlds, they seemed perfect to each other. And although their headspace was not the same, I still thought it was a good time. 

He spent years trying to grab her attention, making himself noticeable, but she would only acknowledge his presence. His intentions, though noble and visible to all other kids around were in no way perceived. She had other thoughts and, at that time, she believed that no one would ever be good enough to protect her from her demons and the things that haunted her days. She needed a protector, but her need was bigger than her sight. She became proud of herself, fully obedient to her genitors. It was perhaps one of the times where her loudness could barely be heard, so much her heart was on dimmed lights. She truly did not believe that anyone could ever be good enough. No one could save her.

One day, while attending the Sunday mass, her eyes finally landed on his. Her eyes had no target, but she felt the gaze penetrating her soul and she couldn’t deviate. Her mind raced with questions, her guts pierced by feelings provoked by his look and she couldn’t look away. It was all immediately imprinted in her soul, deep in her structure. She let him in and he used all the space he could. For the first time, she felt hope. With the opening space, he came close. Approached with ease, as a tamer towards a wild bull. And yes, that’s how she looked from the outside: a wild bull. I take the credit, I made her looks incredible. We needed a strong shield, and yet, a shield that would both attract and repel. She, then, accepted his approach and got close to him. They finally felt each other’s heart. 

Just like in the movies, their love was made to be. They were happy, belonging, dreaming about their future together. I guess everyone has that once in a lifetime. Nothing else mattered but one another. Four summers had passed and they knew nothing but happiness. I remained there, next to her, but watching it all from the outside. I finally thought that her sorrows would be soon gone forever, that her heart would rejoice in trusting. There would be no more loneliness. She learned to love, to trust, to be happy. She felt complete and secure. Until it seemed to be no longer enough for him. 

Under a promise to return, he left to pursue a better life. Flew thousands of miles away to try and make it work, to get enough savings to build their future. She suffered, begged him to stay, but he couldn’t. She longed to tag along, but her heart wasn’t yet ready and she knew her own time would come. He said it would only be for a year, he promised with all his heart. She believed him and behind she stayed. I watched her days come and go and her loneliness growing stronger. She was back at the beginning, no comfort, no love. He tried to keep in touch, they managed to make it work. Thirteen months had passed before he returned. She was tired of waiting, he agreed that it was time. Her hopes almost lost, came back in love and agony. Her soul mate was about to return, her love story would continue. 

She surprised him with open arms and the hours of wait became half. Long run to get together, she could wait no longer. She’d given herself entirely for that moment. Shock, tears, laugh, happiness. She was his and he was hers. They were finally together again to press the restart button and give shape to their future. Marriage, house, babies. Everything seemed perfect on time. I saw her agony closer to an end. 

As all love stories have a twist, hers was of the most inconvenience. Only twenty-four hours after landing, she discovered he was ready to fly again. While making his things ready to stay, the paper at the bottom of his bag changed it all. A return ticket. He hadn’t come to stay, he didn’t plan on making their future. Excuses and more excuses. There was no explanation and not enough reasons. The joy and the love from the day before, now became scream, misbelief and despair. He had lied to her. He’d broken her soul. He’d crushed her inner self. A life once planned was no longer the one together. All had been broken apart. 

Her rage over the deceit and her pieces over the floor gave her red eyes. I watched it all from the outside. I couldn’t believe in what had just happened. When it all started, I wanted to say something, to warn her or try and change her mind, but her sweetness is genuine and her need was desperate. And then I saw her suffering and I suffered too. I am a daredevil with a hard case, but she’s my innocence and to hurt someone’s innocence is like stabbing one’s child to death. And he had just stabbed mine. That’s when guilt came onto me.

Together, we left. We destroyed his name, his memory, his wild wishes. I took over and revenge was served hot. That was the first time that true-love-disney-bullshit blew over our faces and I was decided to not let it happen again. I felt that, perhaps, I had let her believe too fiercely and act too deeply on something that I had not yet fully grasped. It was the first time I let my guard down and she got hurt. She did get hurt many times after that, but she’s still my purest being and it gets hard to not let her go, for so much she loves people and to believe in them. With it all done, I set her rules to never break: no lies, no cheating, no abandonment. Kill it at first sight and don’t let it in, no matter the pain, no matter how true is your love. These three capital sins wouldn’t come close any longer. She agreed with me and we moved on. This was her first real heartbreak.

What I just did not realised, until years later, was that her soul had been forever marked and that she took pleasure in revenge. His knife had stabbed my innocence right in the heart opening space for my growth. And from then, love took a turn that changed forever our entire lives.     

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