It’s been a while since we’ve been around to down our thoughts and share our mind, but I must admit that it hasn’t been for lack of willpower. A lot has happened and as much as ideas have come and gone, there hasn’t been a specific time -literal and figurative- to concise it all in chapters. Nevertheless, here we are.
Let me just begin by saying that a lot has happened in the past couple of months. For starters, she’s asleep and I’ve taken over. So much fun this has been and such a different journey. I mean, it is still us, but in my way now. Ever since the big crash she’d been nostalgic, emotional and lacking the reasonability towards herself and future. The hole he dug in her heart was deeper than we thought and although I’ve been keeping her updated in between naps, I have assumed my role as full protector and started a cleanse in her system. She is aware -we are aware- that we need to get her on her feet so we can be whole again, but there are other priorities now and she needs to rest and restore. It was about time!
Having to restart life and living was a blessing and a curse. The heavy sight of an empty house, taking walks down the streets with loose hands, no longer making reservations for two. So much hurt, such a great emptiness. The first week after the move overflowed her with sorrows she hadn’t tasted in ages and she felt the great pain. And although it hurt the hell out of me, all I did was to let her feel it.
Over the days, she encountered situations which were too much to bear. The eyes suddenly began to water, the piercing pain in the heart and the weakness of the doubt. So easily triggered, so deeply consumed. I couldn’t, I simply couldn’t let that go any further so I told her to rest. Tired and hopeless, she did.
Little by little, things began to fall into its place. Other focus, different spotlights. We were told to accept our present and I embraced it with arms and legs of a gymnast. I searched for the bright spot in the darkness like a child seeks the blanket on a cold night. I made the decision and, unlike so many others who behaved towards us, I stuck with it. Our eyes gazed sharply through the peep hole and what we saw on the other side was as exciting as sunrise: I saw ourselves back again in our life.
Vivid and sober, I wiped the poison out of our body. That love, that intense devotion, all that fit two, gone. There was a moment I thought I couldn’t, but then I said it so loud that woke her up just enough to hear and believe it. You see, I’m working with subconsciousness here and doing some heavy work to transform this experience into a life lesson to never repeat itself. Too many chances were given, too much forgiveness and trust. Love and care and tenderness and trust are indeed still the pillars of our body, heart and soul and i’m certain that ain’t gonna change: my issue is with the depth of the roots other plant in us, the water we give to them and how much of our nutrients they suck out of us.
For that and for more, I’ve closed the gates, I’ve taken my distance, I’m diving into herself. Ourself, to be precise. I feel that there is a bit of me missing in her as much as the other way around. I can be cruel and lovely, but she knows no harm to others and that’s her ‘blurse’.
And for all she’s been through, I can only hope that when she opens her eyes is to see how incredible she really is and how much others ain’t needed to bring greatness upon her. I’ve filled up the cup and the saucer starts to overflow. It’s time to wake up.
