Chapters

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Twenty-three

So many places yet unknown in the midst of the memories stored in our brain. We seek and seek and dive down into the pool of frames, and yet, there’s always something waiting to surprise us. And this is what happened two years ago.

We were a mess way before that and we knew it, but nothing had ever come this close to common sense than this fact, the truth that broke our soul. Certainly, we learned to always ignore and never to consider. And why would we? We were normal just like any other kid. No symptoms of mental disease, no apparent sign of disturbance. Naturally, getting smashed drunk at age 13 is the result of having an alcoholic father. Certainly, begging for that ridiculous boyfriend who cheated and lied to never let go of us isn’t fear of abandonment, it’s just normal. We learned we were always wrong and we didn’t know why. We were normal, after all.

Then, as you know, life happened. We knew something was wrong but we never thought *that* was the reason. We searched all other possibilities, but it came the time when there was no other left behind to look at. And then, our world is was set upside down.

On that day, during a couples fight for reasons we can’t even remember, the words came out of our mouth in such speed that we can’t even recall why. Syllable by syllable, it all took place and the sentence made sense. It took me some time to realise what we had just said about us and even more to make sure we’d said it right. The world was suddenly odd and things felt like they’d never be the same. And we were right.

The words came out twenty years after it happened. Twenty years after the first moment, uncountable hours too late. The worse part was that I didn’t even know the true reasons why all of that had just decided to come out, but it was all poured before our eyes. It was all out.

Was it the wrong person to say it to? Why only now? How come we’ve never spoken or talked about this?
Questions, questions. Zero answers.

The fact is, the word was out. They’d taken place in reality and become part of our story, our brain. The truth of our dark days and the story behind the moment of my creation. Yes, I was created in darkness, born to protect her. I defended her from the pain and the fear and the ones who showed up with disgrace. I disclosed to every single one of them the sides she doesn’t dare to outer. She is sweet, you see, and her care is beyond repair. And, somehow, her strength in holding up to it is greater than her hate for the fate fallen upon her. For that, we’ve got each other.

The life she’s lived till now has been filled with struggle. She was told to forget, she was forced to let it go. But not this time. There is no looking back: Pandora box will remain open.

And so we have it, the timeline of redemption, from darkness to light.
At age 7, when everything started. The abuse, the corruption, the birth in pain.
At age 13, when we broke up with our first boyfriend. A seek for protection which turned out to be a failed call to fill the void that lived inside me.
Age 18, when I finally left the horrors of our parents house in pursuit of her true dream and own future. When we broke free of the person I knew us to be.
Age 23, when we finally moved abroad permanently. An adventure in pursuit of inner peace and shelter.
At 28, when I found myself living my worse nightmare of solitude and loneliness. When all I believed to be home was torn down in a thousand a pieces leaving me with but nothing but singularity and dust to clean up and rebuild.
And now, 5 years after I found myself in this country, the unexpected home. It has become our safety, a place to come back to. The strength she’s found, the lessons I’ve learned. All part of the incredible journey we’ve made for ourselves.

The loneliness she once felt has taken a sharp turn towards inner strength. We look at each other, we know our story. We know our past still runs through our veins, but it is time the present takes it place. I was born to protect her and will so remain for as long as she lives. My truth is another, to be another time.
We are not alone and we are stronger than We think. I am not alone. She is not alone.
We are definitely and absolutely not alone!

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Twenty-two

The war we started two years ago has taken its first battle.

Our mind has encountered places we’ve never been before and we’ve been climbing down the pit, holding each others hands. So much hidden in the shadows of fear and anger, too many frames to be lived again. And, believe me, forty-five minutes were enough to bring back what we spent twenty years leaving to the dead.

Since the opening of the box, nothing has been the same. We’ve seen rejection, despise and love. All in different states, from sorts of people. The reactions are never the same, but the surprise has been certain. People don’t always know how to deal with it, you know? Just like when you find out that your favourite cookie isn’t sold anymore, they ask for your truth trusting to be something they know. Interesting enough, the wide eyes of surprise are always on sight.

Two weeks ago, the war we started against our pain took its greater turn: the biggest battle. We faced everything that happened that night and we felt it all over again. Curious how you really have to go back there to understand who you are today. Even more, when you see yourself as that little girl again, with those same feelings and thoughts and it takes the best of you to try and stay here, in the present. Either way, it was all pain, anger and loneliness. All immersed in this body, clustered in our veins.

We faced our demons that day. Two weeks ago, we opened the gates of hell and let everyone out without even asking for a line. They flew over our body, invading her guts and leaving her in pain. I felt her confusion, her fears materialising before her eyes and I admit, I was also scared. I knew all of this was there, I’ve protected her from it. I’ve been her guardian for all these years and now, when she voluntarily let them all in, I didn’t quite know what to do. It was her decision, I was there to watch.

After the sharp swing of the swords and the first fight was over there was a strange sense of peace. A weird, unknown, notion of ground. She’s been floating so far, my little one, that I felt we were in tears. It was just the beginning, much had yet to come.

We drove home in silence and awe. How can you process this much, the past in a whole world. There was a lot to say, yet, no words. We knew it was just the beginning and a slurp of fear consumed her heart. For a second, on a spur. She was curious, anxious and afraid, all at the same time.

And as the flashbacks began and all started to make sense, my girl began to wonder what else would come next. Thoughts, feelings, memories and dreams. All clustered in a cloud that came to stay in the seven day wait fixed between the fights. I told her I’d be here, no matter what. I promised to hold her hand and to stick by her side, as I’ve always done. And I meant it.

Days gone by, system updates in motion. It was right then that something felt changed. We walked around the room and I began to notice the difference, a fade away.

We walked by the mirror and suddenly it hit me. That was it. That was me.

I saw a truth that I’ve never seen before.

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Twenty-One

Half a year has gone by and it’s been a while since we’ve put our thoughts down with sense. I guess it has to do with structures and the lack of organisation currently residing inside our mind and the excruciating confusion that overloads the flow inside our body. Strange days.

The world of people with busy agendas has closed its door inside of her. Once it was perceived as a permanent home, the safe place to be and grow, but now it looks not so much more than a blur. I’ve been watching her for weeks, trying to find her ground and the solidness she craves to hold on to, whilst having to control myself to not take us further in my own way. I want to give her space, she wants to crawl inside it. We’ve been battling on a daily and exhaustion has taken its place. I am growing tired of the wait.

Those around us tell tales to let it go. Live by the day, let life follow its course. “It is okay to not be okay”, they say. So little they know that a life without a battle is unknown to us, in so many ways. So little they see of the life we were given at a very early stage. It has been nothing but a fight. We have never known better and as much as I do not like to pity her, I know that my poor girl has been really poor. Of love, affection, support. Grounds to trust, a rock to hold on to. Twenty years of tears she has held inside without a choice or allowance to let it go. She had to race her way through while attempting to figure it all out herself. She wasn’t given time to discover the what, when and how. She was thrown naked in a jungle and she’s made it out alive, but jumping out of cliffs has always been in her mind. Until now.

Puzzles fulfil her head as no joy runs through her veins. She’s tried to find comfort in the new, but nothing brings her the same. And as the emptiness grows, the black hole enlarges. I try to bring her forward and I strive to lift her head, but her eyes don’t look alive: she still feeds on the dead.

Those eyes we gazed in the beginning, that warmth that once caught our soul. All of that comprised in one being, able to end this painful nightmare. Too many compromises, it is not right to go back to the start. She knows and feels but can’t accept. She owns herself a way greater debt.

My girl is in pain. She has these shivers through her skin, these thoughts she should avoid. No one knows the truth underneath, no one understands what she really needs. Deep inside, in the place we share, I see the conflict of wish and dare and I try to keep her company. I hold her hand, I hug her tight, I tell her please please please give up on this fight. But nothing matters on that side.

My girl has closed her eyes, she’s hiding in plain sight. And she feels the world as she does herself: nothing else is alive.

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Twenty

How do you handle your addictions?
Hell, how do you recognise them?

So easy and so deep, we almost willingly fall into what we know to be one the thing that hits our soft spot. Blinded by its promises and dellusional guarantees, we decide to try a little taste. Well, the delusional part is perhaps a certainty that rises from its after effects rather than a component of the first contact. Yet, there it lies. Yet, we cannot see it.

Little by little, we grow dependent on it. We crave when its gone and we bathe in it when it’s here. We see our strenght being taken away in every single last drop and we can’t just live without it: we keep on seeking, pursuing it, bringing it back. The more we have, the more we want. And simply we don’t want to let it go.

At first, we think it’s a natural desire, a normal will. Even when we begin to see the counter-effects, we ignore them in the name of that one next hit we’re about to take. The hit is physical, mental, touches the soul. One touch and the entire body begins to shiver. A bit later, the whole being feels at complete ease. It is our great desire, it feels so right… how could we possibly let it go?

Our addictions have come to us in many forms, shapes and smells. We surrended to each and every one of them, believing in its golden promise: you will no longer be alone. Yes, solitude has always been a sort of combustible for our addictions. It has been its food, running through our veins and reaching our vital parts, for many of our not so many years. We accepted it and took it in, unquestioned. Our biggest mistake.

I realised I was addicted when I let her suffer the consequences of what I could not let go. Abandonment, recklessness, backs turned at us. I accepted and let it all in only to have five more minutes, 10 more seconds of voice, look and touch. We took scars in our hearts and body for my being unable to let go and start to look within. We took words of rejection and actions of despise. She saw it was time to show me the truth and I saw it all. A necessary take.

When I glanced at her sorrow, her destruction, emptiness of hope and fulness of despair, I decided that it was time to quit. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realised what I was doing to her. Yes, I have still been in control for all this time but her eyes kept on reaching mine as we stared at each other in the mirror. I saw her red and swollen eyes whilst she watched me trying to forget it all. Nothing else worked for good, drastic measures called to action.

Our dependence on people and on their love has made us mad. Mad for care, for true concerns and real engagement. Not the fake stuff, no, not the ones that only lasts a minute. Although that’s everything each and all of them seem to give, we’ve mostly craved for the real deal, believing that it would solve the issue. So wrong, L.!

Boots off, clothes down, face washed. The time has come to let go of the old addictions, waiting in the dark and constantly check for updates. Quit the depth of the contact, let go of the old habits. Everyone else is gone, only few have truly displayed deep care. It took me time, but I get now.
Universe, indeed!

All I need is her and all she needs is me, and that’s all it always needs to be.

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Nineteen

It’s been 23 minutes since midnight and I simply cannot hold myself back.

It is the 23rd of April of 2019 and we are entering our 29th turn around the sun. So many years together, so much we’ve been through. Yet, the joy this day brings a joy still unseen and unusual to most people. Too many don’t understand the true happiness, the joy that consumes our bodies this day of the year.

If you’ve made this far in our chapters, you might think that we don’t have much to be proud of. Or not, gosh I know of what you think! So much misery we’ve gone through in life. Sorrows, deep shit, heartbreak. So much we’ve struggled to understand which ended up in crawling under our blanket, trying and get the answers no one else would. We’ve done that for years, but for most of the recent ones, we’ve fought to grasp the meaning of whatever we were facing. And most importantly, we have been victorious for a large part of it. We’ve seriously won.

We won when we decided that there would be a day when nothing else but our pride would matter. The pride we gather both for ourselves and for the beauty of all we’ve accomplished. We took this day as the one which wouldn’t tell of sorrows or tears, or sadness or fuck-ups. We hold on to this day like a kid to its teddy bear and we crave for it so intensively that, clearly, no one understands. But well, no need to. It comes from within and we genuinely cheer up to it.

Most of the ones we know think of their birthdays as a day to be left aside. “We are getting old, why would I celebrate?!”, they say. They preach days long gone and despise the things they should praise. I see people taking days and years for granted whilst, in our eyes, gratitude and smiles should be the key to open the doors of today, of this special day. To celebrate one’s cycle is to enlighten the future. And all we wish is that most people saw the same, but well… life is one’s own to live.

And so, alone here we stand. Sitting on our couch, in our recently leased apartment, smiling at our future. We take those rusty and old keys that we used to open the so many doors in the past year and we close up the last door of the 28. We reach out to the back pocket of our pants and grab that shiny one with the sign of 29 in it. Gosh, has it really been this long?! How come do we still feel like 19?! Nevertheless, ten years have passed and so much has happened. Much to be happy about, even more to be grateful for.

As the winds of change keep on blowing over our windows, we open the lock and open the door. We take one step ahead to begin the new turn, filled with happiness, surrounded by the love that comes from within. Long time since we’ve felt this way, but here it is again. We feel happy, she feels complete. Much has changed in this years’ celebrations, but she has all she needs right at her hands and that’s enough for me. The golden key is everything. The new beginning is right at the cross of the street.

Come on now, 29! Let’s discover even more, let’s embrace our simpathy and smiles. We promise to forget of the shitty past, to let go of the long lasting tears: They may come tomorrow, or the week after. Today, it’s only about the special. Today is only about her. So us, happily ever after, shall very well be.

Happy birthday to us!

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Eighteen

It’s been a while since we’ve been around to down our thoughts and share our mind, but I must admit that it hasn’t been for lack of willpower. A lot has happened and as much as ideas have come and gone, there hasn’t been a specific time -literal and figurative- to concise it all in chapters. Nevertheless, here we are.

Let me just begin by saying that a lot has happened in the past couple of months. For starters, she’s asleep and I’ve taken over. So much fun this has been and such a different journey. I mean, it is still us, but in my way now. Ever since the big crash she’d been nostalgic, emotional and lacking the reasonability towards herself and future. The hole he dug in her heart was deeper than we thought and although I’ve been keeping her updated in between naps, I have assumed my role as full protector and started a cleanse in her system. She is aware -we are aware- that we need to get her on her feet so we can be whole again, but there are other priorities now and she needs to rest and restore. It was about time!

Having to restart life and living was a blessing and a curse. The heavy sight of an empty house, taking walks down the streets with loose hands, no longer making reservations for two. So much hurt, such a great emptiness. The first week after the move overflowed her with sorrows she hadn’t tasted in ages and she felt the great pain. And although it hurt the hell out of me, all I did was to let her feel it.

Over the days, she encountered situations which were too much to bear. The eyes suddenly began to water, the piercing pain in the heart and the weakness of the doubt. So easily triggered, so deeply consumed. I couldn’t, I simply couldn’t let that go any further so I told her to rest. Tired and hopeless, she did.

Little by little, things began to fall into its place. Other focus, different spotlights. We were told to accept our present and I embraced it with arms and legs of a gymnast. I searched for the bright spot in the darkness like a child seeks the blanket on a cold night. I made the decision and, unlike so many others who behaved towards us, I stuck with it. Our eyes gazed sharply through the peep hole and what we saw on the other side was as exciting as sunrise: I saw ourselves back again in our life.

Vivid and sober, I wiped the poison out of our body. That love, that intense devotion, all that fit two, gone. There was a moment I thought I couldn’t, but then I said it so loud that woke her up just enough to hear and believe it. You see, I’m working with subconsciousness here and doing some heavy work to transform this experience into a life lesson to never repeat itself. Too many chances were given, too much forgiveness and trust. Love and care and tenderness and trust are indeed still the pillars of our body, heart and soul and i’m certain that ain’t gonna change: my issue is with the depth of the roots other plant in us, the water we give to them and how much of our nutrients they suck out of us.

For that and for more, I’ve closed the gates, I’ve taken my distance, I’m diving into herself. Ourself, to be precise. I feel that there is a bit of me missing in her as much as the other way around. I can be cruel and lovely, but she knows no harm to others and that’s her ‘blurse’.

And for all she’s been through, I can only hope that when she opens her eyes is to see how incredible she really is and how much others ain’t needed to bring greatness upon her. I’ve filled up the cup and the saucer starts to overflow. It’s time to wake up.

 

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Seventeen

A week later than the usual, but I promise I’ve got a good reason for it.

Real life caught up with me and here lies a huge cliché of starting new chapters. I have indeed been writing you chapters and stories about our life and about how did we get where we did, but funny enough, this past week brought us a changing and turning point. Although already in repetition, it was fairly unexpected. It led us to misbelief and, although a ‘better judgement’ was questioned, we are still living in limbo upon these facts.

Here is the thing: no matter how much someone writes or tells you what they think and feel; you will never be able to fully grasp what truly goes on in their minds. Well, at least this is the feeling we are left with. Whatever you believed and bet your life in, vanishes in just a second, simply for one’s satisfaction and desire. It sounds sad and strange, but I guess the best thing I can say about it is that it is cruel.

Believing someone is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Evolution has brought us so much doubt about the world and an excessive amount of options in life which, of course, leads us to question what comes next and take an abnormal amount of time to make choices. Also, it gets us thinking about the future, love and prosperity. So many choices, so little known. And then, someone comes and gives you a heart to take care of. In return, you give yours. And you believe it will be safe there.

Time is the most powerful force in the universe, they say. It fixes things, healing and bringing it all to the right order, the one which should be in place. Time gets you to figure out how much you feel that you want to be together and how important are the people in your life. Time can be life changing and show that not only good things come from it, but also some truths of life.

And that is how our past week has been: all about time. We had to take time to pack, to think, to prepare. We tried to figure out how life was going to be, attempting to foresee the future and the people in it. So many different thoughts had overtaken my head for so long that it got hard to think of eliminating a pivot from it. And as time brought him in, only time will take him out.

As we, once again, remove ourselves from that life, we wonder what will be of the trust we once carried with us. So many times it has already been broken that our heart worries that this time has been beyond repair. Yes, I know we have talked about that already, but still… how can you believe someone again? Does love really vanishes overnight? How can words be said with such precision and, yet, be completely dismissed by the break of dawn? This time, no answers, my friend.

And so it’s time for us to begin a new chapter. In real life, in daily practice. We are faced with a completely different life than we expected to have right now and we need to adapt to it. So, yeah… time! There is a pool filled with sadness in our heart, but we are still believing that all of this is for the best. I guess it is the only hope that keeps us going, the only feeling we have left. Time will be our best friend from now on.

So, for now, we crawl tight under the blankets, we let the pillow dry our tears, we open our chest to the feelings to come and stay. We trust that if they see our pain, they soon will go. I know her heart will never be the same again, but I am here for her and I will try to protect her better this time, to see and examine the signs.

And may love, trust and tenderness one day, finally, truly come to stay.

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Sixteen

Of all the feelings a human being can bear inside, I believe there is nothing compared to anger.

It drives one crazy enough to commit murder, to seek revenge to the depths of the Earth and to live forever in solitude. This strange sensation makes its bearer capable of hurt and blood and soreness, and it destroys all and everyone in its way. Inside, it carries a pool filled with frustrations and misunderstandings which flows into a waterfall of regrets and sorrows. Human rage, they call it.

We have seen anger for most of our life. Our parents, we believe, hated each other. They never had the guts or the courage to let either one go, but they were always there, fighting with the big words and the uncountable threats to each other’s lives. Arguing, whining, trying. Their trials were never longer than three days and quick enough all was back in its place. As soon as the water of sorrows encountered rhythm and a new flow, everything was back where it was. Life was again following its strange course.

I wasn’t exactly born in rage, but I know that I have carried it with me for most of my life. I guess she didn’t know much about it before I came into her life, but I am sure we both learned a great deal of this outrageous feeling throughout our years together. It was a developed sensation which burned inside us from time to time, mostly caused by the times we felt deeply unheard. I know, we’ve talked about this before, but this time is about how we secretly wished some people had life taken away from them. We wanted blood for blood.

Anger has shaped the way we see the world. For many years we thrived for light and peacefulness, but anger has always knocked the door in the back of our heads. We do not believe in the blessing of ignorance, thus, when the world turns quiet upon our questions, hate finds the door open and it runs through without second thoughts. For long time it did, at least, but lately we’ve been watching it more closely. The true strangeness is when we see rage in someone else’s eyes without finding the source or the home for such presence.

Punching the wall out of madness, making holes in the soul for being lost. Frustrations everywhere, regrets come to place. Anger has made of our days its home and we no longer wish to bear such burden. We wish to release ourselves from the sorrows that condemn this world and the ones who choose to live in the ignorance within. We crave for plain answers, clear thoughts and exposed hurt.

And as we chose to believe and move on, the feathers of knowledge begin to fall into its soft place when all the rage of the damned dive into their waterfall of sorrows, regretting those nights and flowing into their dark river of silence which will soon be as empty as the worlds solitude.

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Fifteen

How much do you trust someone?

Growing up with the law of the jungle in place has taught us that trust is something that only a few deserve and almost nobody gets. Over the years, I saw the two sides of the coin and I felt under our skin how much damage mistrust can cause in one’s life. However, as much as I witnessed the downers of such blindness, I also saw the peaks of believing in someone and the joy and character it brought to ourselves, so when the time came to make a real choice, we chose to follow the latter.

The cheating world of lies in our life belongs to what we call the dark side of our blood. We’ve always tried to take distance from them, but mandatory symbiosis has never allowed us to. Conventions, conventions… this has screwed us over more times than those of being a true bitch to someone who really deserves it. Besides the damage buried deep in our soul, the dark was filled with a jealousy that destroyed everything around – family, friends and everyone else who was not themselves. There was no such a thing as a blood connection or a familiar relationship – everyone was guilty and deserving of suffering by one’s hands. And so they lived and still do.

I have always despised the dark side. Besides one of them being present in the day I was born, they have all always disgusted me. The way they talk, walk, laugh and behave towards other people, full of disrespect and extreme lack of consideration for others was back then a reason for us to lock ourselves in the bedroom and only come out for severe necessities while they were around. Everyone was a target and once so were we. Several times we were hit by their lack of scrupulousness, but this is a story for another time.

The good part is that, often, every dark side has a bright one right next to it. And in this case, it wasn’t any different. Our bright side was filled with joy, love, care and respect. Loyalty was and still is one of its pillars and pride takes over the names of its members. The bright side has always been our greatest happiness and the reason why we’ve become who we are. So many chances we had to bend to shadows, but still the light in our lives was stronger and their voices clearer on the path we should take. So we did.

Life hasn’t been easy with trust and belief, though. So much we’ve laid our heart on someone’s words and actions only to see them turning into ashes in their hands. We saw our dreams vanishing and our plans driving away. We were told that we were naive and  that we “should have known”. How could we if we faithfully chose to see your words as real? Things didn’t make sense, but life was showing that we were a fool.

Over and over again, I saw us having to rebuild a part of our life which was destroyed by another’s words and actions. Over and over again I asked her how much longer could we stand all of it before we collapsed entirely and for real. And over and over again, she chose to lead us through the only way that mattered: the path of truth.

Our hears, then, remain with trust. So much we feared a life of bitterness and sorrows, but we know what has brought us here. We follow the road of the choice we made long ago, when we learned that a handshake was enough confirmation. We believe in people and that won’t ever change. And as many times we fall we will again restart, with our mind and hearts, even if destroyed. We will find the strength to re-glue the pieces and to give it another chance. They say darkness sometime will get to me, but in fact I truly know that goodness is the only way. And, thus, we go.

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Fourteen

The last days of the year are usually those that makes us think the most about our own lives and the paths we’ve chosen to follow. Well, at least they are for me.

For many years now, I also go along with the mindset and make sure to review what happened in the past year as well as to hope for the next. Essentially, I look into the exact eve one year before and which of the things I thought and felt I managed to carry with me throughout the three hundred and sixty four days that followed. I put life in a nutshell and I look it through.

Well, today is not different so the revision begins. Last time it was new years eve, I was in a different continent, with different traditions, people and climate, and our hearts were filled with other feelings. We felt complete in many ways and empty in others, but there was a sort of balance in between that gave meaning to things. We enjoyed the midnight kiss with our heart full and trusting, and the sum was enough to hope for a better year.

Lessons is all we’ve gotten since then. We learned about our true past and our fate, but mostly about ourselves and the person we wish to become, as well as the world around us. There is a new awareness in our days which has opened our eyes to what our past has done to us and to what to expect from the upcoming calendar. Either way, I believe that the best lesson -and perhaps the most important one- is the one that feels unnatural de most and that I was perhaps never ready to learn: I am all alone.

I come from a place where being alone isn’t a part of life, neither a natural choice nor a healthy thing. We’ve always learned that being alone only brings you bad thoughts and a heart fill up with sadness. Whenever one said that solitude was a choice, there was a certain belief of madness and a persistent desire to become a company, reassuring that “you are not alone!”. Well, this all changed this year.

Personally, I never liked to be alone. I have, of course, experienced loneliness but never with a permanent hold of it. It was often waiting for something or someone which was certain to come. Being alone was a temporary thought and time which had never come to stay. The perception of loneliness was scary and negative and I always tried to avoid it, until I realised that am alone, no matter how many people I have next to me. I have learned about loneliness this year in a very unexpected way and no matter how many people I know, I am all by myself. This year, I watched them all go, one after the other. People who moved abroad or who simply chose to look to the other way. It came to me like a punch in the face and it is teaching me something that I wish to carry with me throughout the new year.

So now, after loads of sobbing and whining, it all came to this: being alone doesn’t mean to be unhappy, but to trust in your own guts. Nobody to give you advice, nobody to hold your hand, no one as your emergency contact. Less fucks given to all of that, more belief in your own inner-power and consciousness. I don’t know how much of me already believes in it, but it has certainly become my new years resolution. You come to this world as a cub and you need to learn how to face the jungle, so become the hunter and feed yourself. It is a scary time, but it is a new time.

As much as we know that tomorrow is just another day, the feelings of end and restart renews energies and makes us believe that it is all fresh again. And for that and for much (much) more, I am embracing myself, acknowledging my loneliness and starting a pursuit for what is real, tangible and true: it is the awareness and the inner power that I know lives within me.
Happy new year!

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