I have taken some time to rest.
Amidst so many troublesome times, an endless stream of upside-down feelings, and crowded surroundings, I felt the need to stop and take a good look inside. I figured that that mantra we’d been telling our friends for such a long time was right, it was my turn to take a step back to be able to take a few others forward. And boy, how did it pay off.
The episodes of the last (last) year carved a bigger sense of scare inside of us. Despite all the events of the past three decades, this one was different: we’d experienced something entirely new in the sphere of fuckedupness that we’ve known and that required a different outlook at things. Especially to me, away from her and her pain, individually experiencing this multitude of things that I have always vowed to protect her from. Especially to me, who had for a moment believed to never again let her be hurt that much again or have to endure more hardships than the old life had already put her through. Me. Her protector, her keeper.
The last time she fell in love, we held hands and agreed to make it work, but promising that we’d always look at things differently, with more head instead of heart. We had set our boundaries, we’d believed in the promises, and we’d given things time. Yes, by now we all know how much she loves to live in her own timeline and how much that means that her right now translates into forever. Her heart is so committed and so true that her trust has never been entirely shaken from the world. Mine, however, is quite gone, and perhaps this is one of the things that lets us walk together for such a long time. Back at that time, I figured we were good, and I let her heart speak and listen to the words we were told, the offers of all the things we’d always wanted. After wall, what else did we have to work with but their words?
And then, time became still and then rushy again.
So many events, so many physical and emotional constraints, so much literal pain. While I tried to figure out what to do, she grieved a loss she had never thought to have to even have. Our lack of synchrony became a turmoil that led to an avalanche of even more loss and pain. Our lack misalignment took us places I thought to be good for her, but that eventually became just another horror house to live in. Same as the one we’d grown up in and fought so hard to leave. We were in the middle of chaos, and chaos had become the norm. And hell be open, that was not what I wanted for her.
When the last straw hit, I gathered the remaining strength and words of wisdom to be able to tell our friends. One after the other, and sometimes together, they came in our aid: to support, to console, to help me lift a limb from the ground. They all helped carry the weight of the heart, the mind and the life that had just ended. They were the ones who helped us dry the tears we could no longer stop from coming, and that I could no longer dry alone with her. They were a support system I never thought we could have.
Now, if you’ve known her long enough, I bet you’ve seen the sense of resilience and action taking on this gal. She was shaken, hell yes, but her sense of safety and moving forward was larger than anything else. I’d thought it’s take longer, but when she let me talk again, she told me of how much she needed to get out, to have a certain kind of space to figure things out. So, I made us a plan, bought us a plane ticket, and let all the stages of grievance come together. It was time.
Five weeks were all it took for her to find it all out again. I am still amazed by the strength is manages to gather, and by the power she harnesses to get herself going. I’ve seen her going through so much and having witnessed all sides of her heart, it is incredible to see how much goodness and trust will always prevail. The times will always change, and the people will always come and go, but she knows what she wants, and damn, her heart is strong!
During the week of the early morning walks, we made sure to rekindle, to find ourselves and our balance again. Those mornings were essential to acknowledging that the last year has never belonged with us or with who we are, and that it does not deserve our love, attention, or time anymore. She has even told me that this is the last we tell of it, because it simply does not deserve to fill up any bit of our time anymore, and girl, that did blow me away a bit. The last year was a year lived in a sort of a limbo, and though the most important things that have happened were much more about herself than about the other, she holds only one thing dear: she will never get over the fact that life was created and lost inside of her, and that bit will always live within her. In spite of the time. In spite of him. In spite of the pain.
Now, over nine months have passed since we’ve walked away, and six since we’ve come to hold hands again. Our heart is strong, our mind is set straight, and our future is a picture frame waiting to be filled, but without the anxiety or the rush to it. She still knows what she wants and she’s out to get it. Fearless, mindful, as a force of nature.
And as I gather our combined strength and realign our minds, I watch as her heart opens again to feel and let it be. We can’t control the future, but I know I am not letting her go.
Our girl is finally back!
